It takes many things to make someone who they are. Hell, the wind blowing on a cold October morning can transform someone. My life and things that have passed through it made me what I am, my will makes me who i desire to be. That is one aspect of the roles of free will and "fate".This blog will be a scattering or list of things that "changed" me. In no real order save how they produce themselves in my memory. I have tried a few times to write them down as beginning to a autobiography but alas it was a greater task than i was fit for. So here is my cop out, let historians sort the mess out.
1. Genetics: I said as memory would serve me i would list them, however this is a factor i did not learn till many years later after my birth. (Its seems my comprehension level was not to par way back then when i was a spermazoa) My father was a seventh day Adventist pastor, who studied the original Greek and Hebrew texts of the bible in divinity school (where it would seem one would learn how to be a divine being but alas again my poor father must have taken a wrong elective) He also studied the kabbalah which i was shocked to learn while i myself was studying it without either knowing that the other had done so. He left the church because as he put it "they think they have God in a box and all figured out." As i see it my dad felt the call that i felt but took the path of the discontent.
2. Spirits : When i was a young boy, five or so, i saw a gremlin. Yes a gremlin. It was a foot tall, brown and ugly. The correct name for it is a Kobold but i think perhaps my readership would be more familiar with a gremlin, onward. It poked its head out of a door and smiled or rather grimaced at me and slipped back in the room. I as child of five and of the new age, took this phenomenal event and sans haste went back to watching the television. I said not a word till just a few years ago. Around the same age at night my father would after tucking me in go about teaching me the human anatomy on a Halloween skeleton which hung from my wall (only at night it seemed.) he would point to a bone and name it and get me to repeat it, he went through each bone only once and never did it again. On asking my father years later why he did this and how creepy it is thinking back on it he said he never did any such thing. This disturbed me quite a bit so i in meditation go back now and then to see what comes up. The only thing i can retrieve is a dark frightening thing behind a mask, a mask that is my father. I since given up on discovering what happened, some things are best left under the rocks they own. Lets jump ahead 6 years. We moved to a new home. I get up one night and discover upon entering my hallway three white spectres floating before me, like plumes of smoke they hovered there. I ran back into my room and hid under the sheets, finally falling asleep in fear. I told mother and father about this the next morning, they chalked it up to moonlight reflected of the walls from the window. I will not bore you with the layout of the home, but this is simply impossible. I am fairly certain my parents worked for project blue book. And finally, i developed an imaginary friend at a young age as most children do. I did not actually see the friend or hear his voice as most kids will tell you. However one night something dark and powerful came over me, and a heat built up within my body till i could take it no more. The air around me was filled with a watching feeling. And then it happened, I had my first release. I had not assisted in this, i was wide awake laying in bed. It was pulled or pushed out of me. I then saw over the next few weeks my imaginary friend become darker and then disappear. I had a rough period in life, puberty, a bully who nearly strangled me to death and broke my brothers hands. I was tormented, to say little. I eventually got rid of the bully, he shot someone in the head 8 times at point black range over a disagreement over a pool game, poor kid lived. My darker half returned in my dreams at first. Then others dreamed of him, some even saw him. Only one person helped me, he taught me how to focus and control my mind, to dream scape, and to fight my demon. That whole story could take three or four blogs to tell, i will end it by saying i won, i defeated my dark half. But the experience cost me a great deal, when most learned social skills, i was busy scared to death of this evil force within me. It made me different. I think i have caught up, but that's a tough call. The Truth: One night as i caught a smoke outside on my steps, contemplating life, something in the wind changed. It was like a voice or a presence. It whispered things, the earth and the trees joined the chorus and finally the stars spoke as well. They spoke of the truth, how i should seek it, for seeking it was my purpose my essence. The soul of the universe touched me that night and showed me itself, like a mirror it reflects all things back to its source, nature or the universe is the lover of the divine mind. She like a good lover reflects her man showing him his strength and weaknesses. I was told to discover truth one must reflect the reflection to be a lover of the lover. This was my beginning into the true magical arts and training. I get closer to the truth all the time. At least i hope so.
Marriage and fatherhood : My two greatest tasks and joys are marriage and being a father, i have learned so much from these two on going processes that i cannot begin to note it all. I can honestly say without them, i would never be where i am today, i shutter to think on not being a father and a husband to my wife.
Well that's some of the major forces that changed me to ...well..me. As we go you will see some others, some i left out because they make good stories all on their own