O.K., Before we begin out journey I realized many of you do not know where I have come from or what I have done. You may have gotten a good idea from previous blogs and I even wrote one once detailing what I believe as well as what has spurred me into magic and the spiritual life. However, I have not once detailed what I have done in order to get to here. So let lay out the lay of the road I have past; so, we better know the road I will be walking. In other words this blog may be boring as shit. I promise not to ramble much and keep it pretty short.
1. Being a young boy I talked a lot with my father on religion, science, spirituality, beliefs and grazed on topics of occult nature. My father a logical man showed surprising fear and revulsion when I brought up the "Quji Board". He told me many stories on people he had known who used the device and met with bad experiences. He also told me once he had a good friend who practiced astral projection, when the man finally succeeded the event so scared him he never did it again. This made the occult as well as strange occurrences something dark and mysterious, which I loved.
2.From the age of 13-14 I began a devoted study of psychology and hypnosis. I was acutely interested in how the mind works and how to get it to work the way I wanted. Once I got the general idea of what to do I practiced on friends and even my dad let me try (it did not work...but I tried) Over the years I got better at theory and practice and had hypnotized many people before I was even 18 with great success and some failures.
3. 16-18 I began my heavy battle and continuous downward spiral with a tulpa I had created which appeared as a fearsome demon to me and my dark twin to others. I was greatly aided and eventually freed from this by a christian/goth/psychic (what a friggin combo there huh!) who taught me dream control and how to use my psychic abilities.
4.I began learning about many cultures through my teens and aggressively so into my twenties. I found common threads of beliefs,fears and spiritual truths in all cultures that lead me to believe human nature was decidedly inclined to believe something and a very small minority challenged or freed themselves from the birth tradition or religion. I also practiced chi kung and began learning about Asian culture in great detail. I also practiced a lot of Kundalini yoga at this time and a little before then.
5. I was still Christan through this time frame and at several points became deeply devoted into the x-tian religion. I read the Bible twice (talk about some headaches) and searched for "God" through prayer and fasting as well as devotion. I eventually lost faith when even after fasting and all day prayer I recieved little to no insight. I had begged God for some small inspiration or personal communication and recieved nothing. I could pray and get other things to happen though (what I later learned to be magic). At the time I wanted to be a preacher and thought no preacher would be worth anything unless God spoke to him directly as He had done in the Bible. After this my religious devotion died. Although still christian into my twenties and having forsaken all things occult or psychic I decided there must be something else.
6. I began practicing tai-chi and chi kung again. I practiced a special kind of chi kung called "Ling-kong-Jing" which would supposedly develop psychic power and tremendous vital energy after three years of every day hour or more long meditation. I sometimes sat or stood in meditation for two hours without a single thought. However after three years which was the time period the manual gave to see results I could barely make a person sway back and forth with concentrated effort (one was supposedly able to knock a person down with a thought). I also had very little sex drive as the practice involved very little sex and if one did have sex to only have it at least an hour before or after practicing. I had to really re-program my mind after that.
7.Married and with a child on the way I was turning more into the magical mindset. I still had christian beliefs stuck in my head and had tremendous influence on my behavior and personality. I began studying the occult for the first time in years. I had read one or two books on magic before with awe and trepidation at the idea. The one night I had my "profound experience with the universe" which I wrote on in my last blog. I picked up the pace of study and decided to do magic. I began training my mind to see,hear and perceive spirits and evoke in the style of the Golden Dawn. I fashioned ritual tools and charged them according to direction which having a child and a free night took months to do. I had some tremendous help from a good friend nicknamed "Jesus" who filled me in on tons of occult information and theory as well as some practice he had done before. He laid the seeds to my current practice of experimentation and using little or no tools. I also at this time and previously somewhat enjoyed studying and exploring science.
8.I began evoking spirits. Although powerful life changing experiences that altered my belief structure tremendously I knew something was not right. I knew there was some sort of mental filter altering the communication the spirits gave me into reference to my own experience. I knew I was not "getting" the full benefit. I began to search and came upon the works of Franz Bardon.
9. I practiced Bardon's Initiation Into Hermetics with the same zeal and fanaticism I had once given to the Christian God. I trained for hours sometimes, twice a day-three times a day if I could. I ate,slept and breathed magical development (anyone having done Bardon or read it gets I am not exaggerating here) I practiced for nearly three years in this manner until I had a slight mental breakdown working with the electric and magnetic fluid in step 8. This nearly cost me my family and my sanity. Thankfully my wife saw me through it and got me back on track. If not for her I would be some deranged hermit living in a cave or the woods right now. This was my dark night of the soul.
10. Rebuilding my self back up I learned about other aspects of magic. I read and practiced Christopher H Hyatt's Undoing yourself which banished the last remaining parts of the christian programming as well as other harmful programs in my mind. I studied Robert Anton Wilson and tried my best to un-robotize my self as best I could. Began also to study Crowley and learned much from him, like how not to be :-D
11. I then got back into ceremonial magic. Golden Dawn style first, but slowly morphed and experimented with what worked and what did not. I began evoking spirits again, I noticed now with my wider lens of thought I could pick up significantly more info and the spirits inspired me long after the evocations ended. I began to evolve my own ways using what worked and throwing out what did not.
So there we have it. I have come to the present. Hope this maybe shed some light on why I think,act or write the stuff the way I do. Now I think we can move on to where I am headed.